No one said it was going to be easy (moving backwards, ii)

Back a year,
in the eyes of you.

my feet are cold
as I listen to my own voice
on the other end of the phone
crying so loud
in the middle of the day.

I'm screaming, please, no
please don't do this
please don't go
your tears, now mine, are suppressed,
you're empty but something is stirring in your stomach
it feels like fear, it feels wrong
it's received as pain but it just makes you tired
like the tears are stirring in the bottom of your heart,
knowing what you're doing
is wrong on so many levels,
knowing that you're supposed to leave
but you're supposed to be with her
forever.

not because you want to,
but because it's etched in your genetic make-up.

my sobbing on the other end keeps it alive.
when i'm gone, you feel okay,
but it feels off,
like the earthquake
somehow tilted a tectonic plate sideways,
a crooked world.

i don't know you.
or if this is how you felt.

 but what i feel right now
feels like you.
it feels like your body's pain.
it feels like your cold feet
and your pain
and your cauldroned tears.
i don't know you but this is your pain.

guilt is unfamiliar.

it feels so off.
this doesn't feel normal, not even remotely.
it feels nauseous, it feels cold, it feels tired, it feels miserable but happy.
not happy because im gone, but happy for some other reason,
and it doesn't feel like her,
it doesn't feel like freedom,
it feels like release.

 it feels like half of you is miserable
while half of you is happy.

why were you so happy, you crazy man?
hah. you crazy man.
if only you knew what happened to me.

unresolved wounds, so complicated.
this pain feels unfamiliar, feels strange.
like no one has felt this before.
it feels like a unique strain of pain
that belongs only to you,
can only effect you,
can hurt only you
can kill you...

this is the day you died.

you became Lord of the Flies after this day,
when i cried so loud
when you told me
everything was going to be okay. Those were your last words to me.
Your last real words, anyway.
that was the day i let go of you
the day I accepted you were dead
in the back of my mind.
This is when the decomposition began.

This is when the world ended.

We're moving backwards in time so quickly, my friend,
and we're going to fix the mistakes we made.
Just hold my hand
and don't let go.

It's not going to hurt you anymore.