relapse (never coming back)

I've decided to stay in this hell-filled circus forever.

Not with you. Not with myself.
Just this red circus.

I like it here. The pain
makes me laugh.
And it doesn't matter how I got here.
Carnies don't care.
They like to see me laugh.
I think it's funny.
I laugh.
I forget.

I want to spend my life
in this spiral.

This time
I think I'll die
before I come back down.